He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...