We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Be still, my beating vagina.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?