I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
