He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
are you so shy because you have an std?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
are you still at the devil's house?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."