He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...