Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm fucking your sister right now.