They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
15 Porn Memes You’re Only Allowed To Laugh At If You’re Over 18
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.