I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
