We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.