So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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