Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Dating After Heartbreak
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Drunk walkin through police station. America
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory