The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Randomize
