I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
