i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
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He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
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On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!