I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
