Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Dating After Heartbreak
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)