The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
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His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????