I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine