Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize
