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Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So squirting runs in the family.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
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