Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm fucking your sister right now.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them