so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
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You smell like stripper and shame
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
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Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I got chris browned last night
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"