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he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Girls should come with a carfax report
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
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