I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm at about main and main street
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I just pynch a tree in the face