God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
23 People Confess The Lamest Things They’ve Ever Done To Fit In
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
These 27 Texts Prove Pets Make Better BFFs Than Humans
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
dude you need to get laid
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
he puts the penis in happiness.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person