I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i think i have herpe
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**