He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".