I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm fucking your sister right now.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.