I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
