Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"