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Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
pop tarts are not kleenex
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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