I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm fucking your sister right now.