I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
your address is 607B right?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.