cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".