he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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