Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
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Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Banned from zoo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket