He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
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when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
This girl is more easily done than said...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?