there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.