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I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
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