I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls