Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?