I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
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hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
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Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
it's great music for shaving your balls
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.