shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
