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He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
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