First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
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The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
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I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I got chris browned last night
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.