Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Dating After Heartbreak
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?