I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
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Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
I just want nice things and good sex
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"