just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
