I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.