I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
