Texts From Last Night

Jefffbt's Favorites Texts:

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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Bad breakup?

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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  (410): Bad breakup? (1-410): He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB. http://tfl.nu/4dsn
  Replies (54) Good night (1171) Bad night (6109)
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  (518): View more from New York

  I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.

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  (518): I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere. http://tfl.nu/r42x
  Replies (13) Good night (1245) Bad night (4346) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.

  (1-443): View more from Maryland

  That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.

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  (443): Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please. (1-443): That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude. http://tfl.nu/3mvf
  Replies (18) Good night (885) Bad night (2483) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.

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  (770): You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building. http://tfl.nu/mjb6
  Replies (17) Good night (757) Bad night (2110) Order T-Shirt
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  (626): View more from California

  So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?

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  (626): So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room? http://tfl.nu/5xcr
  Replies (7) Good night (442) Bad night (2017) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome

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  (732): Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome http://tfl.nu/8jcl
  Replies (26) Good night (1947) Bad night (1988) Order T-Shirt
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.

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  (434): He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face. http://tfl.nu/h6c3
  Replies (13) Good night (922) Bad night (1961) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.

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  (440): While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from. http://tfl.nu/t77t
  Replies (19) Good night (975) Bad night (1729) Order T-Shirt
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I'm going through a really dark time right now

  (214): View more from Texas

  I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up

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  (469): I'm going through a really dark time right now (214): I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up http://tfl.nu/zlw3
  Replies (5) Good night (401) Bad night (1252)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  re read what you just said

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  (773): i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter (1-773): re read what you just said http://tfl.nu/07tx
  Replies (3) Good night (616) Bad night (1208) Order T-Shirt
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

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  (641): I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. http://tfl.nu/90tm
  Replies (18) Good night (1050) Bad night (1200) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

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  (843): You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield. http://tfl.nu/umxp
  Replies (20) Good night (7214) Bad night (1070) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far

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  (785): He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far http://tfl.nu/hear
  Replies (8) Good night (597) Bad night (1046) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.

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  (701): If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs. http://tfl.nu/qa5n
  Replies (5) Good night (339) Bad night (1031) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.

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  (207): I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table. http://tfl.nu/sbpv
  Replies (4) Good night (481) Bad night (1009) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...

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  (503): Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat... http://tfl.nu/b2lc
  Replies (2) Good night (332) Bad night (969) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.

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  (920): Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van. http://tfl.nu/upqb
  Replies (3) Good night (611) Bad night (947)
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  (714): View more from California

  Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.

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  (714): Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee. http://tfl.nu/zv29
  Replies (16) Good night (2588) Bad night (895) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.

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  (206): We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face. http://tfl.nu/gmb1
  Replies (5) Good night (920) Bad night (803) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.

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  (937): We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you. http://tfl.nu/h5o1
  Replies (12) Good night (989) Bad night (796)
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  (212): View more from New York

  how are things with the new girl?

  (917): View more from New York City

  good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked

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  (212): how are things with the new girl? (917): good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked http://tfl.nu/oe1i
  Replies (6) Good night (2943) Bad night (717)
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"

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  (971): no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack" http://tfl.nu/ruay
  Replies (2) Good night (349) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.

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  (902): I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom. http://tfl.nu/lro3
  Replies (1) Good night (333) Bad night (693)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

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  (203): Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny http://tfl.nu/4qb9
  Replies (9) Good night (3784) Bad night (668) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

  (1-701): View more from North Dakota

  Jesus, are you hammered?

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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  (701): Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus. (1-701): Jesus, are you hammered? (701): Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws. http://tfl.nu/johl
  Replies (26) Good night (3756) Bad night (634)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun

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  (615): The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun http://tfl.nu/o67z
  Replies (4) Good night (1262) Bad night (626) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.

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  (678): Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch. http://tfl.nu/ra61
  Replies (5) Good night (240) Bad night (561) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  ...that shit cray.

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  (734): we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet. (248): ...that shit cray. http://tfl.nu/b6yz
  Replies (14) Good night (4704) Bad night (560)
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.

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  (618): There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister. http://tfl.nu/tdo0
  Replies (7) Good night (1260) Bad night (541) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."

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  (248): So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits." http://tfl.nu/x9en
  Replies (6) Good night (2323) Bad night (523) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  She said she liked strap-ons.

  (1-916): View more from California

  SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!

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  (916): She said she liked strap-ons. (1-916): SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER! http://tfl.nu/41v6
  Replies (14) Good night (2713) Bad night (492) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.

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  (914): So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank. http://tfl.nu/0iga
  Replies (4) Good night (647) Bad night (483) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.

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  (714): They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost. http://tfl.nu/dynq
  Replies (3) Good night (1667) Bad night (441) Order T-Shirt
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  (331): View more from Illinois

  DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME

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  (331): DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME http://tfl.nu/8t0w
  Replies (7) Good night (2572) Bad night (431) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit

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  (312): Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit http://tfl.nu/kckq
  Replies (3) Good night (1040) Bad night (383) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.

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  (201): Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float. http://tfl.nu/ejnz
  Replies (6) Good night (1403) Bad night (381) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out

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  (732): Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out http://tfl.nu/mgiw
  Replies (9) Good night (1255) Bad night (358) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."

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  (608): I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory." http://tfl.nu/0nol
  Replies (7) Good night (2240) Bad night (333)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg

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  (519): Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg http://tfl.nu/646r
  Replies (6) Good night (654) Bad night (252) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange

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  (585): So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange http://tfl.nu/waj5
  Replies (5) Good night (345) Bad night (245) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy

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  (775): Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy http://tfl.nu/2l3y
  Replies (5) Good night (1136) Bad night (234) Order T-Shirt
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.

  (1-903): View more from Texas

  Dude I've been in FL since Monday.

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  (903): Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night. (1-903): Dude I've been in FL since Monday. http://tfl.nu/crr9
  Replies (3) Good night (1956) Bad night (216) Order T-Shirt
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."

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  (226): While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook." http://tfl.nu/v50o
  Replies (7) Good night (1532) Bad night (215)
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.

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  (705): He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on. http://tfl.nu/2ncf
  Replies (9) Good night (2757) Bad night (213) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.

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  (717): I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country. http://tfl.nu/ua5o
  Replies (3) Good night (1289) Bad night (188) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  Dude that's a hat trick!

  (616): View more from Michigan

  I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.

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  (616): Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs. (1-616): Dude that's a hat trick! (616): I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out. http://tfl.nu/g50u
  Replies (8) Good night (1401) Bad night (165)
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom

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  (802): I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom http://tfl.nu/99fe
  Replies (1) Good night (365) Bad night (114) Order T-Shirt